I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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