kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
