Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
