Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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