Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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