I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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