Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
