If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
