dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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