That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
