maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
