Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
