I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
