I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
