Who wears a wallet chain?!
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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