i think my tv is drunk
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
