nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
