we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
