this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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