I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
