my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
