If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
