He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
