I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
