I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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