please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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