her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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