yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
