He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
