Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
