We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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