ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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