nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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