I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
