Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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