stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
