when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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