Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
