your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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