Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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