i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
