do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You are a genius and a whore.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
