we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
