I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
