Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
