found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
