youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
