she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
