Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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