you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize