some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
