and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
