My Higher Power is John Stamos
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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