Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
