The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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